Friday, March 5, 2010

The 12 Most WTF Christmas Songs (that are so bad they're good)

The 12 Most WTF Christmas Songs (that are so bad they're good)
It's no shock that my ice-cold no-heart absolutely goes coo-coo for Christmastime. I have written in the past about My Christmas Memories and My Favourite Gingers from Christmas TV Specials. And it was when I recently changed my radio station from CBC Radio 1 (99.1) to CHFI 98.1 (aka Mom Rock) to hear 24-hours of Christmas music daily that I thought "Why the hell haven't I written about my favourite Christmas songs yet?"

Exactly. And without further adoo, here is...

The 12 Most WTF Christmas Songs (that are so bad they're good)

12. All I Want for Christmas is You

Why it's bad: Are you kidding me? All you want for Christmas is a boyfriend? Who the fuck wrote this song, Cosmopolitan? Are you going to jam ice cubes into his taint the minute you get him? (You seduce him. This is what Cosmo tells me men like. Taint-play and ice cubes). Mariah, I already got you a Sex and the City DVD set, and I can't return it...soooo....
Why it's so bad it's good: Do NOT sit there and tell me those first few bars of music don't scream THIS! IS! CHRISTMAAAAAS! The minute I hear the beginning of this song, I run to the kitchen to make an eggnog with rum.

11. Do They Know it's Christmas

Why it's bad: God, thanks for the reminder that the World is in the toilet, Captain Bringdown. I almost forgot that people were starving in Africa, and thanks to you I can no longer enjoy my candy cane by the fire. The lyric I hate the most is "In this world of plenty". Hey, Sir Bob Geldof! Come over to my house and tell me what's in my fridge! That's right, plenty of soy-sauce packets and expired Yogurt (that I definitely plan on eating). Oh, and when you're done counting all the boxes of baking soda in my fridge (Answer: 1) you can join me on my IKEA Klippan sofa (yes, that's the cheap one that smells like Swedish rats).
Why it's so bad it's good: It spawned America's We Are The World and Canada's Tears Are Not Enough. Two reasons, right there.

10. Last Christmas

Why it's bad: Dude, you're lucky that last Christmas all George Michael gave you was his heart. But seriously, for a man who meets nameless sex partners in the park at 3am, you'd think he wouldn't get so fucking emo about a guy not returning his calls.
Why it's so bad it's good: Who was the producer of this music video? Glamorshots?

9. White Christmas (Jingle Cats)

Why it's bad: IT'S FUCKING CATS.
Why it's so bad it's good: IT'S FUCKING CATS!!!!

8. Step Into Christmas

Why it's bad: Oh Elton Elton Elton. "Welcome to my Christmas song"? Jesus Christ, how lazy. Why not just lead off with "Looks like I'm writing a Christmas song...". Plus "We could watch the snow fall for ever and ever"? Have you ever sat watching snow fall for longer than 30 minutes? I'm pretty sure any longer and you turn into Jack Nicholson from The Shining.
Why it's so bad it's good: Elton John can do no wrong in my books. Plus, I like to imagine this was the time he was into the drugs; it's really the only way I can explain this song.

7. Christmas Is

Why it's bad: Only Family-Friendly Run DMC could have recorded this Christmas-Rap (aka CRAP). Imagine approaching NWA with this idea? Also, here is what I take away from this song:
- Santa doesn't hit up Inglewood
- Give Run DMC all your money
- Black kids are greedy. A Bike, Sega Genesis, AND a Nintendo?? I'd get the taste slapped out of my mouth if I asked for that much shit.
Why it's so bad it's good: He may be greedy, but I do love that little kid at the end. "Turn my Mommy's lights back on!" Oh, if only it was that much you have to learn.

6. The Christmas Song (Alvin & The Chipmunks)

Why it's bad: Is there anything more festive than a pushy stage dad forcing his children into the spotlight? I think Dina Lohan plays this song on repeat every Christmas. "Oh Ali, if only you were a rodent. I could work you twice as hard". But let's step back for a second and examine the song AND video, shall we?
1. Dave, a single man in his mid-30s, adopts 3 talking rodents. For the sake of argument, let's just pretend they're no different from children.
2. His first instinct is to force them into show business.
3. He builds a recording studio in his home to ensure they are working 24-7.
4. Alvin repeatedly asks for a hula-hoop for Christmas. What are hula-hoops, like $2? How much is the Chipmunk dynasty worth, like $9 million? Jesus Christ, buy the kid a damn hula-hoop! You're lucky he doesn't want Legal Emancipation for Christmas.
5. At 0:50, Alvin appears to be high. I will just go ahead and pretend I never saw Simon spraying that perfume and assume Dave is a hard-core narcotics user.
6. At 2:52, we can clearly see Alvin suffers from severe Tourettes Syndrome.
Why it's so bad it's good: Aw, this is a classic. If our current culture is any indication, highly-filtered and processed vocals will never go out of style!

5. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

Why it's bad: Who is this Richie Rich-motherfucker who is asking for a wild animal for Christmas?? AND he gets picky! "No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses". Oh, I'm sorry - I forgot how 2007 a Crocodile was. How about we just skip the hippo and go straight for hunting humans for sport? I'll get the rifle.
Why it's so bad it's good: This song is every stoner's dream: big long words, non-sequiturs, a weird child's voice, the vaguest connection to Christmas.

4. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

Why it's bad: Um, it's a song about an elderly woman being bludgeoned to death by the hooves of a wild animal on Christmas Eve. How is this in any way appropriate for the Holiday season? And how long after her death was it written? In what fucked-up world does one receive news of a relative's death and your first thought is "Holy shit, this would make a hilarious song".
Why it's so bad it's good: I like to call this one The Redneck Carol. Grandma gets wasted on Christmas eve (probably on Eggnog and Cheaters Whiskey). She decides to go home because she has forgotten her medication and would like to spend the rest of the evening heavily sedated on prescription pills and cheap liquor. The next morning her family goes outside (to use the bathroom, presumably) and finds her dead body in the snow with a hoof print in her forehead (blunt force trauma). They mourn in the way they know best (black NASCAR shirts) and open the deceased's gifts. It's what Grandma would have wanted.

3. Santa Baby

Why it's bad: I have a feeling this is every Long Island/Jersey Shore trashbag's favourite Christmas song. Things mentioned in this song:
1. Tiffany jewelery
2. Penthouse apartment
3. Fur coat
4. Fancy car
5. The deed to a platinum mine (who is this bitch, Scrooge McDuck?)
6. Thinly-veiled sexual innuendo
Why it's so bad it's good: The Madonna-as-Betty Boop version, Eartha Kitt's version. Both very cute and adorable additions to a Christmas party playlist.

2. Baby It's Cold Outside

Why it's bad: WHERE DO I START?!?!?!?? Speaking of Jersey Shore, let's break this song down too:
1. Guy wants to get laid
2. Girl is all "Yo! I gotta bounce!"
3. Guy is like "These roofies say you're not going nowheres"
4. Girl is all "What's in this drink? For real, this ain't Sierra Mist!"
Why it's so bad it's good: It's just too darn charming :( I don't care how blatant the date-rape is in this song, it's adorable. Plus, with the guy-part/girl-part, it's great for karaoke.

The Christmas Shoes

Why it's bad: I. JUST. CAN'T. I really cannot explain this song better than Patton Oswalt does. Enjoy - this is my Christmas present to all of you.

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