Hey friends! Let's all gather around the fire for little chat, shall we? Pull up a chair. Warm yourself a mug of Postum. Put on your sweatpants. Are you comfortable? Good. Let's chat.
It was exactly one year ago that I broke up with my boyfriend and moved out of the apartment we shared, and I was pretty bummed out about the whole thing. In the event you don't remember (or you never read it because you were thoroughly disinterested in my life) you can re-read it here. It's coming back to you isn't it; remember how mopey and sad-sacky I was? Good lord. I was like a 3-legged dog mated with a Cure album - SUPER SAD. Anyways, a year has passed and I thought it would be cool to go back and re-assess the Pros and Cons list I made about being single. What's changed in a year? What's stayed the same? What's with these lazy Skip-raid posts, am I right?
Being Single is Really Great
2008 I like that I don’t have to share by bed anymore
2009 Um, half and half. I'm a snuggler, and sometimes I miss having someone to cuddle up to.
2008 I can drink Diet Cokes for dinner and no one will tell me I “need to eat better”
2009 Yeah, this lasted for all of 9 months and then one morning I woke up looking like a fat-ass. I had to start eating like an adult (which also means I lost a shitload of weight. WIN)
2008 I can talk about my TV/real life crushes out loud
2009 Still do. I LOVE YOU, JOEL MCHALE!
2008 I will watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition without anyone telling me I am watching shitty TV
2009 If anything, I watch even more shitty TV than I have in my entire life. I love it. Do you think I could watch Toddlers and Tiaras if I still lived with my boyfriend? Well...I could, but I'd never hear the end of it.
2008 I watched How I Met Your Mother for the first time, just because I wanted to oogle Jason Segel and Neil Patrick Harris
2009 ...and now I watch it regularly for the sharp writing and clever story arcs.
2008 I want to buy nice underwear now
2009 AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm still in the same crappy American Apparel I was in a year ago. Maybe I'll start buying nice underwear (unlikely).
2008 I can go to the mall for 4 hours if I want to
2009 Oh, and I do. I also kill time at the Library now, and one time I spent an hour and a half in a Starbucks.
2008 I love pretending I give a shit when people talk about marriage (big mistake, suckers)
2009 I don't even pretend anymore. That "big mistake, suckers" has been promoted from parentheses to lead-in sentance.
2008 I can do anything I want
2009 I really can. Right now I am spending my extra time watching The Larry Sanders Show on DVD and learning French, and no one is telling me I'm neglecting them or not spending enough time with them. It's terrific (so is The Larry Sanders Show, by the way)
Being Single Licks Homeless Assholes
2008 I am lonely as shit
2009 Yeah, I was lonely in the beginning, but that was just during my adjustment to single life. I haven't felt true, profound loneliness in a very long time.
2008 Christmas is the loneliest holiday for single people
2009 I made this blanket statement before Christmas. I had a feeling I'd be spending my holidays like a Cathy-comic, so I decided to do everything in my power to reverse this. I baked. I hung out with friends. I made Christmas cards. I went for snow-walks. And last year I had a pretty good Christmas.
2008 I want to go to the movies with someone
2009 Not really. I started going to the movies by myself and I LOVE IT. If you have never gone to the movies by yourself, you need to try it. It's great! Plus, no one eats all your popcorn and you get to take the rest home and eat it in bed (that sounds like something Liz Lemon would do).
2008 I sometimes want to wake up on Saturday morning and have brunch with someone
2009 ...and I do. I call up my sister or a friend or go by myself. A man sitting across from you does not a brunch make.
2008 No one is here to laugh at my jokes
2009 Fuck that. I have a roommate who laughs at my jokes, and I have my mom (who is very patient and a real saint) who listens to my lame jokes on the phone. Plus, I have you turds (I know, single tear).
2008 I feel like I need to go to the gym
2009 I didn't need to go to the gym, but I did need to stop eating cookie dough for breakfast. I learned the hard way (aka getting too fat to fit into Urban Outfitters clothing).
2008 I don’t like having to shave my legs
2009 My friend Franca introduced me to Nair Wax Strips and now I can go weeks without worrying about whether or not my legs are gross. In general, I keep the same personal upkeep I did when I had a steady, except now I maybe wear makeup more often and I use hairspray.
So all in all, I'm still single. That's not to say I'm not dating; I just don't have a reason to change my facebook status just yet. So to all of you sad-sacks out there who are in the same, boat - cheer up! Life goes on, and being by yourself isn't bad - it's what you make of it. If you choose to mope and be sad and get fat and cry all the time, then that's what you'll be - a big, fat, crying Cthulu. Or you can realize how awesome your life is and go from there. High fives and smiles.
xo
The Mayor
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