Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Dumbest "Sexy ___" Costumes of 09

The Dumbest "Sexy ___" Costumes of 09
Hey Spooks! Wait...uh...can someone double check for me on the term 'spook'? Can I use that? Even on Halloween it feels wrong. Anyways, I'm writing this from the hallway of my house where I'm anxiously waiting for Trick or Treaters to come to my house and rob me of my sweet sweet candy; and you know I give out good shit. No single-wrapped gumballs or foamy strawberries here! This year I'm giving out handfulls of caramel squares, Tootsie Rolls, M&Ms, Reese, KitKats, and Smarties. And when I say 'handfulls', I mean I give each kid like 8 or 9 treats. I've learned that candy is a currency for children and that the more candy I give, the less chance I have of getting my house egged.

Moving on. You know that every year I do some kind of costume breakdown, and this year I have decided to tackle the touchy subject of 'Sexy ____' costumes. You know what I mean; costumes that are more or less underwear paired with some kind of accoutrement to make it an 'idea'. Kind of like this:
This is a Sexy Cop, and this is the bread and butter of both boring Sorority skanks and fat wanna-be girls alike. Hell, it even has its own phrase: Slutoween. It's true: it's the only day of the year a girl can dress like a total slut and no one can say anything about it (Thanks, Mean Girls!)

And this post actually sprang from a joke on Facebook. A friend of mine joked that they were going as Slutty Balloon Boy for Halloween, which is actually pretty good. You can take any Noun and add the prefix of Slutty, and you have a completely viable costume. Here's proof!

Sexy Wednesday Addams
Okay, this is bizarre to me because a) the Wednesday costume is pretty cute to begin with. Short black dress, stripy socks, long black braided wig, headless dolls and, more disturbingly, b) Wednesday is an 8-year-old girl (paging Chris Hansen). Nothing says sexy like "Hey boys, my name is Wednesday. I'm learning fractions and next week we start our weather unit in science. My favourite band is the Jonas Brothers and my favourite food is pizza"

Sexy Al Gore
"I love recycling and being green and am very concerned with my carbon footprint. Which is exactly why I bought this costume: it's made from 100% man-made fibers, sewn by Chinese sweatshop workers, and I plan on throwing it in the garbage after wearing it for 5 hours. I love the Earth."

Sexy Olive Oyl
This is unreal. First off, who in our generation even watched Popeye? This costume is about 20 years too old. The Popeye I know is Robin Williams and Shelley Duvall, so if you're going to go as any Shelley Duvall character and make it "sexy", go as Sexy Wendy Torrance.

Sexy Mental Patient
And now an entry from the good people at Horribly Tasteless Costume Warehouse...we have Sexy Mental Patient. This is the blackface of the mental illness world. Am I offended? Not really - I'm more offended that someone would willingly choose a costume that prevents drinking. Who doesn't get loaded on Halloween? That's fucking mental.

Sexy Hobo
"I have pubic lice, severe schizophrenia, and an addiction to methadone. I sleep in the bathrooms at the mall. Wanna watch me make out with another girl?"

Sexy Guitar
I don't understand anything about this costume. What a random Noun to pick. It's like you looked around your room and went:
"Sexy...coffee table? No. Sexy...TV Stand? No. Sexy...guitar? I think I could make it work...". But no, you didn't make it work. You look like the result of a 14-year-old boy getting three wishes from a Genie and the first one is "I wish I could fucking marry my guitar!" Sure enough, 9 months later your guitar gives birth to this monstrosity. But just when you think it doesn't get any lamer than a guitar...

Sexy House
On the costume website they say that this is the 'She's a Brick House' costume. Ha. Ha. I get it, it's a pun. Know what sucks about puns? EVERYTHING. Know what else sucks about this costume? You're dressed as a house. You should be punished for your crappy costume choice.

Sexy Bob the Builder
Santo Dios, what the fuck is wrong with her feet?!?!?!

Sexy Freddie Kruger
This bitch would be the first to die in a Nightmare on Elm Street movie.

Sexy Rocky Balboa
Ugh, no comment. I...just can't. This is too lame, even for me.

Sexy Santa
Ho ho ho! I'm Santa! Or the general idea of Santa! But if you take away my over-sized candy cane and Santa hat, I'm just your average run-of-the-mill slut:

See? People people people. Adding a hat to lingerie does not a costume make. You're making your fathers cry.

And finally, the most retarded 'Sexy ____' costume of them all. When I saw this, I couldn't even fathom a guess at what it was supposed to be (I tried, but every idea started with the word "whore" and ended with a question mark). Here it is, the sluttiest of all Halloween costumes:

THIS. IS. NOT. A. COSTUME. This is black underwear, a bra, a mesh hoodie, and leg-warmers. This is in no way "dressing up" for Halloween. Are you a cold stripper? Are you the visual representation of low self-esteem? Are you legally retarded? DING DING DING! We have a winner!!

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