America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 3
The Mayor: Fuck, I wish we could video-blog like Pot Psychology. But nawt gon happen
Ty: That would require me not looking like a bag of feces though. Ugh - Tyra brought up super smieyes again....that's proof that she shouldn't procreate
The Mayor: Look at this little saucy pup! I want a kid like that! Holy shit, Diva Divanah is breaking it off
Ty: So this little girl.....will go through at least four marriages in her life...there's a prediction. And at least 4 different addictions to over the counter drugs
The Mayor: Oh yeah, that little girl is going to eat a shitload of pills
During this episode they have a shitty Seventeen magazine-sponsored fashion show where they pit the girls against tall girls (aka Real Models)
The Mayor: Oh snap! They're going to get their asses kicked!
I love side by sides - tall girls vs. midgets
Ty: Oh, so now they're going to show us real models, not fuckin lollipop gang members
The Mayor: And probably one or two from past seasons
Ty: Nothing makes me feel more superior in every way than standing beside a short person for an extended period of time
The Mayor: What in the name of Walmart prom is with this fashion show?
Ty: These are horrendous
The Mayor: This is the shittiest fashion show they have ever had on the show
Ty: I would really think twice about boning a chick if she had one of these dresses on. But in reality, I would really only think twice about boning the chicks with dicks in these dresses
The Mayor: You would still do it. You'd be like "can you tuck that? Bokay, let's do this. TY IS RONERY"
Ty: Move aside wang! (That could also refer to her overprotective body guard)
Ty: Ashley has some broke ass skin
The Mayor: I would love to give Ashley a facial. You would love to give her the other kind of facial
Ty: Listen...I wasn't going to go there...not every one of my thoughts involves me being The Sperminator
The Mayor: That's the best nickname you could make up for yourself? Sperminator? I would have gone with Crystubatron
The Mayor: Ashley's face isn't smizing...its more like bragging. Bragging that her mom drank heavily during her pregnancy.
Ty: Bragging that she would struggle to find a white person in Uxbridge
The Mayor: Bianca looks like a straight-up broke, black version of mental illness / head shaving Britney Spears
Ty: Ha! “My main goal is to work on my face” Yes Bianca, the face is a rather important part of modeling (or....”work on my face”...that's what the directors will be telling the male costars to do in your next career)
The Mayor: Bianca reminds me of a character from A Different World...but a male character
Ty: Dwayne Wayne?
The Mayor: Yes! Dwayne Wayne!!!!!
Ty: Fun fact....did you know that A Different World is the first time I realized that black people could make fun of each other's skin tone? Before that I guess the nine-year-old version of me believed that they didn't notice the difference. And right around that time is when I went through a phase where I would refuse to refer to people by their skin tone - we were watching Hear no Evil, See no Evil and I wanted to make a comment about Richard Prior being funny but I didn't know his name and despite the fact that he was the only black dude on the screen, I would only refer to him as 'the man in the hat'
The Mayor: You are a shame racist
The Mayor: Who was beating up Bianca? Ah yes - Lisa Bonet
Ty: Denise. She was my favourite....cause we all saw her boobs and the Cos got angry
The Mayor: Denise was badass
The Mayor: Britney won? Meh, don't even care! Brittany looks like a Real Housewife of Boring County
Ty: Erin could easily step into the role of cracked out 18 year old mother of three
No comments for Jennifer this week. She fell in to the background (kind of like that lazy eye of hers)
The Mayor: Whoah, Kara has a terrible walk.
Ty: Kara, your chin has more weight to it than most of the girls in total. If Kara's looking for work she could easily find employment cracking coconuts with her jaw
The Mayor: Kara has the face of a frat boy
Ty: She probably has the underdeveloped penis of a frat boy too
The Mayor: WHOAH Kara has Summer Eyes!!!! Summer here, summer there
Ty: And a summer sack...summertimes it's there, summertimes it's not
Ty: If I saw Laura doing a walk in the frozen food section of Walmart I would.....wait...I'd be ashamed of myself for buying frozen food from Walmart....That's the equivalent of stealing toilet paper from the welfare office
The Mayor: Most people don't walk down the aisles at Walmart; they roll, on their Jazzies. And Rascals
Ty: Would you rather have a rascal or a peg-leg?
The Mayor: I'd rather have a peg leg. TERRY FOX ALL THE WAY
Ty: Good answer, proud Canadian
The Mayor: Laura sort of looks like Paris Hilton in this shoot. Also, Laura is ALWAYS HAPPY. I love it
The Mayor: Nicole: DON'T HATE ON LULU
Ty: Do you have a sticky box for Lulu?
The Mayor: I do - I would scissor Lulu. Wait, how does that work again? I don't think I want to do it if it's what I think it is…
Ty: “5'13”?....umm. “You instantly just gave me 3 inches” - me too!
The Mayor: So that puts you up to...what...4 inches?
Ty: I get an assist on that self deprecating penis joke
The Mayor: You really do. You walked yourself into that store
Ty: I did...I didn't even think to check if it was open, but it's you...so it's always open
The Mayor: True. My crayche never closes
Ty: That's what it says in the bathroom stall at Hooters
The Mayor: You mean in the bathroom at your dad's work
The Mayor: Rae has Mom Pooch
Ty: Pooch? Ponch? Does she still have some uterus protrusion?
The Mayor: Pooch. It’s like a baby gunt. Rae's is so boring. Snooore
Ty: yeh. Rae put me to sleep. She needs to go bottomless next week to wake up the part of me that likes her
The Mayor: um, her massive, stretched-out mom-vag?
Ty: Sundial's was good - I believe it.
The Mayor: Okay, the winner….Kara? What?!?!?!
Ty: It should be Nicole, not fuckin Seabiscuit. WHAAAAT - Ouch, Lulu vs. Brittany
The Mayor: Oh man, Lulu is goan
Ty: Brittany is too good to be here.
The Mayor: Brittany? What? Bish plzha. Ew. Is Lulu wearing a onesie? For that reason she should be gone. Okay, next week. Owe! Mai! Gawd! They do a challenge in Walmart. Clean up in Frozen Foods - Laura got a wide-on!
Ty: Ewwwwww! Vag juice and frozen spinach in the same place....gross